just another page in your diary.

well, i can no longer upload pics which really bums me out and makes me not want to take pictures or even blog. i should just use other images or old ones. i've always thought the word 'ones' was a little peculiar. sigh.
some things seem really cool to me from a distance or up close for a short period of time but then i start to feel it just isn't me.
i like to have quiet time. i'm not used to and don't reaaly like always having people around to be honest. i have to be honest with myself first and foremost. but sometimes i feel split on something and my mind keeps fighting with my heart and/or my mind is fighting with itself or i just don't know! what am i doing? why!?
what am i gonna do about it?
should i do nothing?


i can't squeeze myself into a scenario so foreign to me ('partying') and be more than a participant observer because i feel like an outsider and i have untreated ADD ADHD whatever so it is hard for me to listen to the content of what people are saying, i tend to focus much more on how they say it.
i really honestly cannot tolerate cigarette smoke. i hate to have my hair smell like cigarettes it makes me feel so gross and even ill. i've tried to be "cool" and not let it bother me, but it does. i might try to join in and smoke cigs socially, but my honest real self hates cigarettes.


'cool kids' also tend to drink a lot, but i cannot stand for long the deleterious effect i begin to notice on my health if i hang out with people who drink and try to fit in with their lifestyle by drinking too. my tongue and teeth start to hurt and my digestive system gets all messed up. and some people, like my neighbor, live that way day in and day out. are they not destroying their bodies?
why is it tho that there is this very strong wish that i could be like that. for some reason it feels more human to me when people live a totally different lifestyle than me because it looks like they are enjoying themselves so much.
but i am not even able anymore to sustain denial of my true wants and needs.
i need to take care of myself. know myself and honor myself. my values.
the kind of lifestyle that is good for a person. health, spirituality, honesty.
maybe i'm screwed.