wine & bread.

the same day that i took the pics below and now we have an inch of snow on the ground but it looks like it's stopped now.

i took a relaxing mineral bath and i have new-agey "audio visions" playing on t.v. and i just washed my face. nag champa burning. a little vino. a very warm fire in the stove so i won't freeze tonight. thank you. i'll say it if i wanna say it.

you can't tell me not to say thank you. xie xie.
see? i even said it in mandarin. how do you like them apples?

actually it is too hot in here right now.

i'm gonna clean my room, now i think.
or pretty soon, anyways. tonight.
it's rather a mess.

i think it is cool that it snowed. totally unexpected for me. i don't watch the news or the weather channel; and even if i did... i would most likely not pay attn cuz iam too buzy wif my own foughts, u C?

ADHD

serious.

i'm gonna steam clean the carpet sometime tom orrow.

count on it.

i wish you could

bless you and keep you

look! i am wearing all faded black with a multi-colored scarf.


it's windy today. i wanted to capture my hair blowing in the wind but it didn't happen.

don't trust your heart.

in this pic you can kinda see that i have a black right eye... another lovely result of my accident. the actual impact was on my cheekbone but under the eye is still bruised.
and i keep bumping my hand into things which makes it take longer to heal i think.

we took our daughter to the doctor this morning and as usual, it wasn/t necessary, but oh well. better safe than sorry applies here.

i'm really getting annoyed with not having full use of my right hand. it makes everything take soooo long. it must mean that i need to SLOW down.

i did read some more bible last night. i was brought up reading the bible almost daily so i felt that i pretty much have it covered. well, once i start reading the stories, my memory gets jogged and the stories are again familiar in a new way tho coming at it from this current time in my life.

i really think the bible is interesting, but i also like pretty much all religious text. it's all interesting. a lot of people at my alma mater were majoring in religious studies (not bible school) but the general consensus is that is a frivolous major. not that it's not worth studying, esp. if you don't really need to have a serious job..

ok. enough.

hallucinating, r u ?

last night i was reading the bible before i fell asleep on the sofa at about 8:15 PM.

usb cable is back. i wasn/t being down on myself regarding the positive estimations of others re: my appearance/attractiveness but was making a quip about the value of the opinions of others as far as self-worth is concerned.

thanks canny for the tip on the free aquarium supplies. i was pretty succinct with my fish story. i didn't even provide an image. they still said my supplies are on the way.

it is really adorable to watch my daughter eat her bowl of cereal in the morning.
she can sing all of twinkle, twinkle little star @ 1 1/2 yrs.

a lot to learn

my daughter has a cold.
kids are so much different when ill.
today i haven't been wearing the ace bandage. my middle finger still hurts but i can type with both hands, now. i had re-injured it at some point in the last few days so it has taken longer to heal... but we're in the homestretch. so to speak.


it's definitely a challenge to do so many things when you only have the use of one hand. things you take for granted.
there was a big huge spider in the kitchen sink this morning. he's gone now. dunno where he went. don't much care, either. i'm not arachnophobic.

change is afoot in my life. well it's always afoot in everyone's life, really... but i think i'm looking at some big changes in my life very soon, any way you look at it.

i'm just still unsure exactly what kind of change.

i think i just got a grain of salt in my right eye. that's always fun.
the other day this 20 yr-old woman asked how old i was and after i told her she was visibly surprised having assumed me to be half my age. just sayin'.
and lots of people think i'm hot and love my hair. but what do they know?

just another page in your diary.

well, i can no longer upload pics which really bums me out and makes me not want to take pictures or even blog. i should just use other images or old ones. i've always thought the word 'ones' was a little peculiar. sigh.
some things seem really cool to me from a distance or up close for a short period of time but then i start to feel it just isn't me.
i like to have quiet time. i'm not used to and don't reaaly like always having people around to be honest. i have to be honest with myself first and foremost. but sometimes i feel split on something and my mind keeps fighting with my heart and/or my mind is fighting with itself or i just don't know! what am i doing? why!?
what am i gonna do about it?
should i do nothing?


i can't squeeze myself into a scenario so foreign to me ('partying') and be more than a participant observer because i feel like an outsider and i have untreated ADD ADHD whatever so it is hard for me to listen to the content of what people are saying, i tend to focus much more on how they say it.
i really honestly cannot tolerate cigarette smoke. i hate to have my hair smell like cigarettes it makes me feel so gross and even ill. i've tried to be "cool" and not let it bother me, but it does. i might try to join in and smoke cigs socially, but my honest real self hates cigarettes.


'cool kids' also tend to drink a lot, but i cannot stand for long the deleterious effect i begin to notice on my health if i hang out with people who drink and try to fit in with their lifestyle by drinking too. my tongue and teeth start to hurt and my digestive system gets all messed up. and some people, like my neighbor, live that way day in and day out. are they not destroying their bodies?
why is it tho that there is this very strong wish that i could be like that. for some reason it feels more human to me when people live a totally different lifestyle than me because it looks like they are enjoying themselves so much.
but i am not even able anymore to sustain denial of my true wants and needs.
i need to take care of myself. know myself and honor myself. my values.
the kind of lifestyle that is good for a person. health, spirituality, honesty.
maybe i'm screwed.

policy of truth

fall is setting in and summer never really got very hot. not hot enough to justify shorts very often nor to go swimming, either. this morning there was frost on the top of the fence posts. too cold at night to go out comfortably unless you're all bundled up.

the usb cable for my camera has been misplaced
i've searched high and low for many an hour
with no result except a more organized house.

i've reheated my coffee about 10 times this morning without ever drinking much more than a sip of it before it gets cold again. right now it's luke warm (strange phrase) and i think i'm just gonna down it right now. are you down?

nailpolish

these are my 34 yr-old mom shorts.
maybe i will take a nap? i hardly know what else to do.
cuz most things don't interest me much these days.
are things fine as they are or are they all jacked up?

believe me when i say

i'm so full of unpleasant emotions and situations.
yesterday evening i met the father of the boy who hung himself and i immediately started crying and told him i was sorry for his loss. it was a social situation, so i went into the other room to cry some more about it and also feel all of my own stored grief piled onto it. argh!


ugh.
just because you like or love someone doesn't mean you have to move in with them or have sex with them, either. there are other ways to be in relationship with someone.

my hand still hurts. people think i'm over-reacting about it, but i'm not okay?!
i've been alternating ice with ace bandage. since everyone in town thinks they know all of my business, people are assuming that my boyfriend is how my arm got hurt. even as i tell each person who asks about it, i can feel them not believing me. one guy was like, "are you sure you fell off your bike? cuz just say so and i'll kick someone's ass for you."

i assured him that everything is fine.

neither big nor small

i put an ace bandage on my wrist/hand yesterday evening.
i took a total of 1600 mg ibuprofin yesterday.
i'm pretty sure that's an excessive amount.
this morning i took another 800 mg.

i've been humbled.
an injury can do that to a body.
i am now limited to the use of my left arm/hand.

i wish i could mind my own business.
i try, i really do.

defeat.
another humbler.

usually, i keep to myself, but yesterday when i was walking to the doctor's office (a 5 min walk) i deliberately struck up a conversation with a woman who lives kitty-corner to me. i'd never spoken to her before...
but i am a LOT nicer to ppl when i am sick or injured.
it's like my forcefield weakens. and i didn't want to walk alone.
she was pushing her 1 yr-old in a stroller and walking in my same direction.
anyway she seemed cool close-up but maybe that wasn't my neighbor at all cuz if it was, she seems cooler up-close.

falling down

life.
oh, today i fell while trying to lift my bike over a short wall/fence of cinderblocks and i hurt my wrist & my last 3 fingers on my right hand so now i have it in a makeshift sling and using a bag of frozen fava beans as a cold compress and typing with only my right hand.

my mom just yesyerday had a fall invoving her bike and what felt like a dislocation... which is how mine felt, too. but i decided not go to the e.r. for all that rigamarole and spendiness. i think it will be fine but it still hurts like heck if i try to move it.

the chattering monkey mind

have i mentioned that i have suddenly started up with playing sutek's tomb as a relaxation/concentration aid. a nice escape from discursive thought.


i feel like i love my life and have been taking things for granted but now i think i am shaken up enough to get some perspective.

intellectual intercourse

i don't want to do a new post, but i feel the urge to write.
so that is what i will do.
without concern for who will read it.
can i do that?
i don't want to have a private journal.
i've done plenty of that in my life
and the journals are like ghosts of memories.
ephemeral.
faint.
what do i see?
the same ol' same ol'
really.
me being all existentialistic and angsty
over and over and over again.
so here i am
doing it still
like a crazy person
and why?
because i like to type?
because i need an escape?
a friend?
something.

repetition
change
compulsions
spontaneity
fear
love
waiting
detachment

who's there

people often put their desk facing a wall, but that is really not how it should be.
i declare it.
in truth, and i think everyone must feel this somewhat,
you don't want to feel like something is going on behind you and you can't see it.
i don't think it would work with this desk, tho-- to turn it so it faces the room, instead of the wall.
so nevermind that idea.
i think it also sucks for the other people in the room if you have to have your back to them.
feels like you can't remain involved at all in what's going on... not like you sorta can with a laptop.

i change my clothes frequently throughout the day.
many times. a lot.

i get tired of clothes all of a sudden, while i'm wearing them.
my mood or whatever changes and then it's time to take off these pants.
what will i wear instead?
a skirt?

oh yeah... we watched Batman the movie last night. that movie is so classic. did you know tim burton directed the first two batman movies? i'm not sure if i knew that or not... but now i do. i love tim burton movies. awesome times twelve.

i love it when batman asks vikki vale how much she weighs... like he really needed to know that but she says "108??" and then later he says, "you weigh a little more than 108" and she says "oh really!" in a sassy way.

HAHA

i used to watch that movie every day when it first came out on video. i was obsessed with it.

is that what you think? wow.

my son loves bob dylan and has seen him in concert. my son is totally awesome, no doubt about that. none a'tall.

i've been interested in red wine, as of late.
for a while there i had no interest in alcohol at all....
but it seems to've returned.
i'll have to tell my doctor so we can remedy that situation
because it is nothing but a downhill road. and you know it, don't you.
but i sent two postcards yesterday and i am sending another one today.
doing my duty, you see.

i feel like it is my duty also to be listening to music and exposing myself to music all day long. last.fm (which i have on my sidebar) is great for that. so is pandora. those are the ones i know about.

another duty is riding bikes, skating, dancing. and walking. so there.
it is weird that the firefighters for the moonlight fire are all stationed here in our town. it is a trip. there are several booths where people can buy t-shirts that say "moonlight fire 2007" and everyone has these signs up about 'thank you firefighters' blah blah blah. i say, 'let it burn'!!

haha

not really. but it is supposedly a boost for the economy of this sluggish little nowhere town. so that's cool, i guess.

did i mention that i am drinking wine?
cool.
k. well. i guess i'm audi-tola.
catchya on the flip side.
i'm gonna make like a baby and 'head out'
hahaha

i wish you'd treat him better

yesterdays trip to reno was not what i would call 'fun' exactly.
but life is a lot of work... mental and physical and maybe more.
dealing with the unexpected
being driven by the subconscious mind
meaning you think you know what you are doing and why.,.
but maybe you really don't?
or maybe something else is driving you that you are not thinking is what is driving you.
i mean, does your mind ever play tricks on you?
like you think you see something but you really don't?
i'm not talking about hallucinations.
mostly i am talking about people.
who they are and what they do.
maybe when you see someone what you are really seeing is TRULY
just a reflection of yourself.
just an image you have created in your mind
and it has nothing to do with who
that person
really
is.

vested interest

i thought these pants were my size, but they are actually too baggy, i have found.
BUT i tried on a pair of pinstriped dickies i bought 3 years ago! WOW that is longer than i thought. anyway, they fit me and i am so excited about wearing them!

i'm the king of wishful thinking

here is what crazy people do.


-----------------------------------------------


understand that information from enemies is very important information.
our enemies are our best friends.
our enemies point out areas where we are stuck.
our enemies are ourselves.




this isn't about what you think it's about, this blog.
it's about everything.


and if you really wanna see who I AM
go look in the mirror.

i hurt myself today

what is the point of having a blog if nobody will read it?
this one is for the universe.
not me. but me.
i would like some assistance.
i am asking.
guidance
what is it?
what is going on?
forget it.
as in forget 'me'
me.

let it go.
surrender.
give up?

give IT up.
what is IT?

does it matter that we live in a universe?
with galaxies?
black holes?
dark matter?

what about time?
past/present/future?
huh?
what is that.

everyone is feeling something
now i will take my pills
i slept a lot today
hiding
hurting
sorry.

everyone is hurt in this situation.
that sucks, doesn't it?
but

and WHY lord? WHY on EARTH do i have to feel like such an idiot?
thinking.
thinking.
label it thinking.

where does individual hurting inside come from?
my empire of dirt.